sonder?

June 3, 2017

“I have two priorities in this world (or at least in what we see of it)– my established systems of deception and acceptance.

Now, if you ask me which comes after the other, I will tell you to stop embarrassing yourself. You’re only trying to act witty because you think people like this version of you. I will tell you to stop because frankly the chicken or the egg debate gets old.

People trying to assert superiority over one another with petty speech and cheap humor isn’t anything new. I like to tell myself that these people could be shifting this attention to solving the world’s problems– stopping global warming, curing cancer, and whatnot. It’s funny to imagine a world where people actually do useful shit with their lives. Then again, what would happen to the businesses that feed on the misfits of society? Entertainment businesses would lose capital because people would be busy maintaining productivity; the drugs, alcohol, and sex industries would play a lesser role in our capitalist system. If you look at the big picture, people in this world would also think they’ve achieved self sufficiency when really they’re just feeding back into their individual egos.

But, back to me. I have accepted that I will inevitably need to lie to myself for a sane state of mind; with this, necessitates the maximum level of acceptability to my conscious will . I believe I am happy because that is what I have chosen to tell myself. Who gives a fuck if I cut myself every night and drink myself to sleep? I tell myself things to keep myself sane. I tell other people things to keep them sane. We all accept what I say because we all accept the easiest answers– well, at least the majority of us. Some people think they’re above all that and instead choose to confront the hardest truths. That’s kind of stupid. Choosing to make your life harder doesn’t make you any more respectable. We all know somewhere in there, you’re just trying to prove that you deserve better, that because you’ve gone through hell and back, you now deserve all the glories humanity can offer. All of this only adds on to why lying to yourself and accepting those lies is the best approach to living.

I don’t think I’m a coward for thinking this. Wouldn’t you just love to think this way? All you have to do is let yourself.”

Amidst your words,
do you hear how alive the trees are?

why you couldn’t

i wanted to drown in your world,
escape the breath of safety,
fall to the ecstasy of your being.

i thought that
if you had me at hello,
you could give me everything
your eyes promised–
endless tomorrows and forgotten yesterdays.

you were the flames to
my fire.
i hated how
you were my favorite death.

prior to

You once told me that love fucked you over.

I was silent for a minute. Then I told you that I’ve always liked listening because it was the only way to silence all the other voices I heard.

You said that if I was smart I wouldn’t want to listen.

I said that I’ve never been very good at being smart.

You barely smiled.

 

I didn’t care if you were broken.

You looked me and told me that’s what they all said.

I’m different.

You told me that’s what they all said too.

I looked into your eyes.

You looked back into mine.

 

I liked the sound of your silence.

You said you liked the sound of my silence.

moments

It was the first summer night that I consciously acknowledged.

I am aware of every detail that I do not need to know.

8:32 pm
7/31
28°
ash rose
converse
76 mph
starbucks (halfway)
night lights
trees
coloured skies

I am focusing on all the wrong things. I can see, but do I really see? I need to see all of you right now, but the only image in my mind is the thought of how I should remember you when this is over. I fake a laugh to look unfazed by everything around me that is coming into sight too fast, too quickly– the recollection of you, of us, of world soon without you, of Insecurity’s eyes staring back into mine. The sky clears. And for a second I let myself think that maybe one day we’ll look back to this moment (and realize what we could have been).

rehab

when the drunken days of tomorrow
are all you need to
fuel the forfeiting of conquered hearts,
return to rest in the eternal comfort of
being.

why do you try so hard
to seek the impending lies
(from the silence of my lips)
that you have chosen to love?

only now do I realize
that we weren’t really taught love;
I was blinded by the
enlightenment I once sought.

blank

The sole victim lived on liquor
to let out his thorns.
His world of lies built
eternal oblivion.
Repelled was the light that shone through the void.

You were told to escape because feeling was a slave to illusion. You were told to love the darkness because nothing bad could hurt you if you can’t see. You were told to live in silence because no one is One.

You now tell me because.

And amidst the nothingness,
you got high on all the lives
we couldn’t be.