rehab

when the drunken days of tomorrow
are all you need to
fuel the forfeiting of conquered hearts,
return to rest in the eternal comfort of
being.

why do you try so hard
to seek the impending lies
(from the silence of my lips)
that you have chosen to love?

only now do I realize
that we weren’t really taught love;
I was blinded by the
enlightenment I once sought.

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The sole victim lived on liquor
to let out his thorns.
His world of lies built
eternal oblivion.
Repelled was the light that shone through the void.

You were told to escape because feeling was a slave to illusion. You were told to love the darkness because nothing bad could hurt you if you can’t see. You were told to live in silence because no one is One.

You now tell me because.

And amidst the nothingness,
you got high on all the lives
we couldn’t be.

overdose

I saw a changing.

I suppose it wasn’t anything that should have come as a surprise. After all, she had been changing, growing more and more distant from me and less and less like herself, all throughout the past year. I did not know why. Then again, I did not bother to find out why. I knew all this time that she would show the results of such change; I guess I didn’t expect it to happen this soon. There were so many signs pointing to this, most of which I picked up on. Every time I noticed, however, I passed it off as an insignificant event, merely as an inconvenience that I kept at the back of my head. This was what I did when I first saw her give him that smile; it was one of those special smiles that she used to give me– those smiles where she would look into my eyes as if we were sharing a secret that no one else knew of. I did the same even when I found the red handkerchief in my drawer. You would think there isn’t anything peculiar with this, but I did not own the handkerchief. It belonged to another man, and I was supposed to be the only one in the house. Though its glaring red presence bothered me, I kept silent. I never thought to do anything about any of this. I did not think to ask her either. It was never because I didn’t know how to, though. I guess I just never cared enough.

With this thought in mind, I merely stared at her when she finally came to me today and said the first words she has spoken in months. As I saw her final changing, I tried to conjure up a reaction or at least feel the slightest emotion to reaffirm the expected humanity that should be within me. When she brandished the divorce papers at me, however, I felt nothing. No regret, no sadness, no relief- nothing. All I could think of was the stack of paper in front of me and how much a gold ring from four years ago would sell on the market today. Her expression reflected the same detachment.

When I looked up at her again, the faint red of the world emerged and I was once again flooded by the conventional color of love. She was transforming too fast, too much, all at once. I saw her flesh melting off, exposing the gleaming white of her bones, leaving behind only a fraction of the woman I once knew. I stepped forward, attempting to save what’s left of her, but I knew it was too late. The bones surrendered to the laws of gravity and dropped in clusters as they spread out, untouched and raw, across the stained floors. After a few moments, the bones came together again and reformed to show her body and her face; I saw this process repeat before me, with the flashing red shining consistently in the background. This was the first time I studied her appearance so closely in the past year; I realized, as I stared, that I had forgotten how she looks. Only now were things coming back to me, the bits and pieces of what I once had.
I didn’t want it to stop. I wanted this red. No, I needed it. The only thing that was keeping me sane and alive was slowly killing me, and I was consciously letting it.

“He was not the man I once knew. The pills, the bright red plastic pills, had changed him. “